Bridging the Gap

how a baby boomer received his grandchild’s coming out message

Love’s roots run deep. Photo by Jeremy Bishop on Unsplash

My dad and I had a less than stellar relationship during my adolescence. After I left the nest, he continued to evolve, learning more about communication and emotions and all the touchy-feely things that a man of his generation didn’t have to know to get by in the world.

When I was 34, my mom died, and my dad and I grew closer. He made efforts to fill the gap, to be both parents to me, and to be both grandparents to my kids. He definitely stepped up, and I’m happy he’s still growing, and sharing his wisdom with us.

To properly set the stage, you need to know that my dad is a white, cisgender, 80-year-old member of that most-privileged (and sometimes-maligned) generation - the Baby Boomers. 

My kids belong to Gen Z. The generation gap couldn’t be any wider.

My oldest child, River, knew they were gay in early adolescence. They came out to me early on, but they waited a couple of years to tell my dad. River felt trepidation about how the information would be received. In the end, it was almost a non-issue - my dad alluded to kind of assuming so and said it doesn’t change anything. The gist of the conversation was: you will always be my grandchild, and I love you.

By age 16, River started to understand that they were transgender. They were massively uncomfortable in their body and this manifested in everything from cutting to eating disorders to suicidal ideation. River changed their name and pronouns (but didn’t share their pronoun preference with my dad). At age 20, they experienced a breaking point with their mental health. My dad was ever-present, kind and supportive, through all of it.

Last year, at age 21, River started a medical transition. Over several months, I asked them how they want to tell grandpa, and if they want me to smooth the way somehow. The thought of coming out to him was causing River anxiety, and I wanted to help, but didn’t know how.

I understood that they feared being rejected and cast aside. An excruciating number of trans youth are rejected and disowned by their families, even becoming homeless in many cases.

Thanksgiving came around, and due to circumstances, for the first time, none of my family could be together. Feeling sentimental, I sent a message to my kids expressing my appreciation for them, and River reciprocated with a message of their own, and sent one to my dad as well. He responded with a gentle, loving text, and River reached out to me, saying, I think I have an opportunity now, I just need help wording it.

River crafted a lovely, mature coming out message. My partner and I gave our input, and then River hit send.

The three of us held our breath and waited - I was tense and anxious, not knowing how my dad would react. 

River: Grandpa, now might be a good time to tell you that I am not a girl, and I am taking testosterone to help me feel more comfortable in the body that I have. My voice is starting to change which you might have noticed. The reason I changed my name was to feel more myself and this is the same reason I am medically transitioning. I have known for 5 years or so now that I am not a girl and this is why I have been very uncomfortable in my body which has been part of my mental health struggles. Taking testosterone is helping my mental health because it helps the gender dysphoria that I have. Gender dysphoria refers to distress related to a mismatch of a person’s gender identity and their sex assigned at birth. I hope that this does not change your view of me. I am the same person as I always have been and do not want this to be something that is a secret anymore. I just did not know the right time to say anything about it and have been worried that it would bother you. If you need time to process that or if you have questions you can ask them I don’t mind.

Dad: I do love your name River. You will always be my grandchild and if you feel better about changing that is ok with me as I always want you to feel better about yourself and to feel more comfortable in your own skin. I am old and may not understand this new identity thing but I accept it and will always love you for who you are now and in the future. Always love yourself first. Thank you for trusting me and telling me. I will always support you in your life and your happiness. Love from grandpa.

When River sent me the screenshot of my dad’s almost immediate response, I shed tears of relief. He responded even better than I could have hoped for. 

For family members, this new information can be overwhelming and concerning, but the thing to keep top of mind is that your loved has not changed from who they were yesterday and they are baring their soul to you, hoping you will not reject them. You may not understand all the nuances of what is being shared, but it’s a jumping point for you to research or ask questions. All you need to do, in the moment, is express your unconditional love, acceptance, and support. Full stop.

That’s what my dad did, and I couldn’t be more proud of him.

No matter what your beliefs - religious, political, or otherwise, when your loved one tells you they need to transition, it’s a matter of life and death, and they ask, will you continue to love me? The answer is yes. A thousand times yes, I love you and support you, do what you need to do, it doesn’t change a thing about how I feel about you.

Though pockets of society still fail to demonstrate this kind of unconditional love, my dad’s response restored my hope that humanity will grow in acceptance and understanding. People are just people. All we need is the grace to live our one life as best we can, and love and be loved along the way. That shouldn’t be too much to ask for.

I couldn’t be more happy about my family’s ability to express who they are and maintain a loving relationship. My Gen Z kid, who is openly queer and trans, and my octogenarian dad, who hangs out with a pack of similarly white, male, conservative friends. The two are as different as can be, but love bridges the gap. Every time.

Check out The Trevor Project for more resources for LGBTQ youth and families.

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