You *Don't* Got This

duped by the illusion of control

Photo by Stephen Radford on Unsplash

In case you haven’t noticed, the world is a bit of a raging dumpster fire.

In a misguided effort to manage our anxiety over the state of things, we tend to seize on the illusion of control. Paradoxically, we intensify our anxiety by trying to take the reins and force things to happen our way. 

As it turns out, we have precious little control over anything.

Your toddler throws a tantrum in the store? You can’t control it.

Poor weather ruins your plans? You can’t control it.

You’re stuck behind some jerk driving ten under the speed limit, and now you’re going to be late? You can’t control it.

We waste so much time complaining and lamenting about all the things that go “wrong”. We waste so much energy trying to make other people do what we want, when we want and how we want.

We struggle against reality, all the while failing to take charge of the things we do have control over. It’s easier to project our efforts outward, and try to control everyone and everything around us. It’s much harder to take radical responsibility and be accountable for ourselves, and the trajectory of our own lives. 

One of the key principles of Stoicism is to focus only on what you control. The only one you own and control is yourself. You do not control other people or anything external to you, including what happens in your surroundings.

You hold more power than you think, my friend. There are a few things you do have control over, and you can train yourself to focus on them. 

Here is what you have full, utter, complete control over:

• How you respond to a situation

• What you say

• What you do

• How you interpret and perceive things

• What you think*

That is an entire internal world of control. When you lay claim to it, your life transforms. Now there’s no circumstance or person to blame, because you take full responsibility for yourself. From here on out, everything rests squarely on you when it comes to what you do, say, and think. That is where your power lies.

Life becomes simple. Think of all the things you now have permission to let go of as you soak in the notion that not everything is on you. You really aren’t balancing the dumpster-fire of a world on your shoulders.

And if you feel like you are, you just have some internal work to do:

1. Realize what’s in your control, and focus on that

2. Everything else is not in your control, so let go of that

Learning to overcome conditioning and apply these two steps is a lifelong project.

No expectations = no disappointment. The only expectations you can control are those you have for yourself, and even then, you might need to relax. You can have an expectation on yourself to go for a morning run, but you can’t control if you wake up with the flu. Be gentle with yourself. 

If your toddler pitches a tantrum, you can’t control that. But you have total control over your reaction, and how you choose to address the problem. You have the ability to set your toddler up for success next time and ensure they are rested and fed and not overstimulated before you take them shopping. 

If someone directs a nasty comment your way, you can choose not to take it personally. Realize it says more about them than you -  let their nastiness be on them and let it go. 

Let people own their own stuff, and you own yours. 

The sooner you internalize that a sense of control over anything outside of you is an illusion, the sooner you can relax and let life happen. You can let the world burn**, knowing that you have taken charge of your own life.

*Any student of meditation knows that we don’t have control over the thoughts that drift in and out of our minds. It takes intense practice to be able to rein in our monkey minds. It then becomes obvious how absurd it is to think we control anything external. While our thoughts can be unruly, we do have a choice about whether we seize on or let go of those thoughts, and about what we tell ourselves and believe.

 **Of course you’re not just letting the world burn, you are taking responsibility for your corner of it, and that’s clearly the wisest thing you can do.

What do you try to force in your life?

Have you been able to find peace by learning to let go of control?

What are some things you have abandoned attempting to control?