I Survived Raising Teenagers
When you’re in the thick of it, it feels like those difficult days will never end...
Brace yourself for this: when you bring your newborn home from the hospital, there is no instruction manual.
Shocking, I know.
As a new parent, you have to flub up and learn from your mistakes as you progress through the parenting journey. And just when you think you’ve got it figured out, your kids move on to a different stage and you have to start from scratch again.
You start to get a clue about parenting just in time for your youngest to graduate.
It’s unfortunate, but this is how the gig works. You don’t have to pass any kind of test to become a parent. You don’t have to have a threshold IQ, a certain amount of wealth, or even a bare minimum of character. There are no entry requirements for the job, and you will receive no training. Except on the job training, and from someone even less qualified than you - a baby.
Kids teach you so much, through every stage of raising them. But adolescence is the ultimate acid test for parents. If you and your child both emerge intact, and your relationship too, then you’ve won not only the battle, but the war.
You may impart top notch wisdom, set the most stellar example, and keep the lines of communication open as much as possible, but your kids are likely going to go through a trying stage as they do the work of the teenager - which is to pull away from their parents.
During adolescence, the difficulties you face become more of a life and death nature. Sure, a toddler might try to dart into traffic, but that’s easily managed by keeping eyes (and hands) on. As your kids become teenagers, it’s not so easy to monitor their whereabouts, who they are hanging out with, or what they’re up to.
You could find yourself tackling any number of intense issues with your kids around sexuality, bullying, mental health, substance use, reckless driving, and a whole range of stuff in between. It’s what keeps parents up at night and causes all sorts of conflict within the family system.
Teenagers contend with many of the major problems of life that adults do, but without guidance (because they push it away) and without the benefit of wisdom gained from experience. After all, this is the training ground where wisdom starts to develop.
A key factor in converting those mistakes into wisdom, is how you as a parent handle them.
From my time in the trenches, I humbly offer a list of ten things to keep in mind when you are going through the tough stuff with your kids.
Make sure they know you are always on their side. Your kids need to feel secure in your love, knowing that there’s nothing they could do that would make you withdraw from them. You need to be their safe place to land, no matter how badly they mess up.
Keep trying to talk, even though they probably won’t want to. Communication is how you get through the hard times together. Even if all they can manage is to sit in sullen silence and listen, keep talking. And sometimes, just shut up and let them talk. Listening can be transformative. Let them know you are always available to listen.
Withhold judgment. Do not shame them. No matter what they do, stay calm and neutral. Handle whatever comes at you without surprise and without reactionary comment. Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing, until you’ve had a chance to gather and process your thoughts. Kids need to feel unconditional acceptance from their parents, not harsh criticism, which will only serve to alienate them.
Take the time to be with your child one on one. Do something fun. Their definition of fun will always be changing - it may not be go-karts and ice cream anymore. Make the effort to find out what kind of experience they would enjoy, and be the parent who’s up for that. Time away from the hard things to just have a good time together can do wonders to build trust in your relationship.
Don’t push to resolve things and get answers right away. Exercise patience and let time work its magic. Accept that not everything is in your control.
Remember, the human brain is still developing until age 25. Your kid’s mind is a soup of hormones and chemicals and neurons, trying to sort themselves out. Don’t expect your teenager to think like you do. They are caught in the difficult in-between of not being a kid and not being an adult either. Your understanding and patience and ability to meet them where they’re at will go far.
Let your kids have their opinions. You don't have to agree on everything. Your kids are not a receptacle for you to dump all your views in and expect them to parrot it back. They are individual human beings, not your mini-mes, so allow them to express who they are. Be curious about their experience and viewpoints, show that you care about the people they are developing into.
Remind yourself there is nothing they could do that should cost your relationship with them. Forgive quickly. Recall how naïve and insensitive you probably were at that age. Don’t expect them to know everything you do - be open to teaching them, and be equally open to learning from them.
As in every relationship, boundaries are important. A modicum of respect must be observed, and that goes both ways. Respect your kids’ privacy, individuality, and right to behave as they choose. However, that comes with the expectation that they must also take on the consequences of those behaviours. Don’t try to save your child from the fallout from their decisions. The school of hard knocks is often the most effective teacher. Allow them to stub their toes.
Pick your battles. Hair grows. Clothing styles are quickly outgrown, especially when it doesn’t get a rise out of you. Changes to appearance should be like water off a duck’s back to you.
Your kids will screw up, and so will you, sometimes royally. Everything is repairable with unconditional love, forgiveness, and the passage of time. Keep your ultimate parenting goals in mind - and getting your own way, keeping control over them, or making them into a replica of you cannot be on your goals list. Your goals should include a child who is healthy and happy and secure in your love for them. If your priorities are top of mind, it helps guide you both in the right direction.
When you’re in the thick of it, it feels like those difficult days will never end. But they do come to a close, sooner than you think. Before you know it, your kids successfully launch into adulthood. Take what you can in stride, know that love and communication are paramount, and whenever possible, try to remember what it was like to be a teenager. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t go back to that confusing and tumultuous time for the world.
Now that my kids have flown the nest and are living independent adult lives, the greatest gift I can receive is a text, a call, or a visit from them. Knowing that they love and appreciate me makes me feel like I’ve successfully completed the most important mission of my life - being their mom.
If you are in the throes of raising teenagers, what has been your biggest parenting struggle?
If your kids have launched into adulthood, what advice would you add?
What was one of your parenting mistakes that you learned the most from?
Ah yes, the thrills and chills of parenting. Hardest yet most rewarding job ever! Also, I believe it's much harder to be a kid nowadays than a parent. I'm grateful that we didn't have the internet when I was growing up. It was hard enough as it was without the pressure of social media.
Great read, well written.